Living outside of the scene is turning into quite the tricky situation. When kitten and I met I had already announced that I would be leaving the public aspect of the scene. I had been very active in the scene for 20 years. I had gone from new to the local scene although my involvement had actually started a few years prior to that in another state to fairly well entrenched over that time. She was brand spanking new!
To be honest when we first started out I did not envision getting seriously involved with her. She was married and I was very comfortable in my lifestyle sans partner. I was Polyamorous in relationships and play. But things just fell into place and grew faster and further than I think either of us intended. kitten made it clear that when I left she was leaving also. At first I was cautious but when we started to get involved she made it clear she was in this for me and me alone. Flattering to a guy in his 60’s that such a beautiful and curious younger…way younger Woman than I would see things that way.
For me leaving the scene was a combination of things. One was that I never intended to be that involved in the scene. I started out just looking for a partner to share this all with privately. There were quite a few obstacles for finding this because the community was not terribly diverse or accepting of People of Color. So I relegated myself to creating my own way into the community by not giving them a choice and doing what I wanted by showing up at events and hosting my own.
I became know enough through giving parties, munches and events and developed a core of play partners that I could meet at the local Dungeon spaces, although no one wanted to meet privately or develop a relationship. Not sure if that was about color or just me. But I was quite content to date vanilla and play publicly within the scene. I also had a larger selection of vanilla play partners who wanted nothing to do with the scene or to be described as kinky in that way. I had also recently ended a 10 year Polyamorous relationship. That was my life and involvement in the scene for 19 years.
Now I will say that I have never been one for the descriptors or dynamics hard wired into the scene. My ideas and practices had started long before I actually entered the scene or even knew there was anyone besides me doing wat I did, which was primarily Spanking and living what is described by the scene as a HOH relationships.
Even though I do not prescribe totally to labels and believing literally everything as set down that many believe is the only way to life this life. I came pretty fully formed with my own ideas and personal structure. But I did see the need for people to understand the history and the whys and wherefores of all of this if for nothing else their own personal safety. And to be truthful once I started going to classes and meeting people outside of my own particular kinks I began to believe it was useful to at least understand the basics of it all and then forming your own path.
As I stretched and began to explore I could see there was so much that was in line with my thinking about things and the more I began to give classes and speak on topics related to the scene it became clearer what possibilities there were for growth.
I began mentoring and guiding people, became a go to source for some people. But through all of this I never felt I was a fully accepted member of the community and to be honest because of whatever notoriety I may have gained the scene was starting to become less and less about my enjoyment and more and more about everyone else’s enjoyment through me. I didn’t feel connected to the people I was playing with. And as I said this was always more personal than public for me because I am a painfully shy and insular person.
So meeting kitten was a huge thing. I finally met someone that I felt emotionally and romantically connected to. I felt that I knew enough about the way things worked that I could teach her, show her and be a mentor.
I had also decided that I would stay in touch with the local Dungeon for whom I had spent a year on the Board of Directors for and that I called my home base and attend the 3 annual fundraiser events they hold throughout the year. And since they are on my Google calendar I could follow classes that I felt kitten could attend to gain insights I don’t feel I could give her alone. A good plan, right? HA…they always seem like good plans until you put them in action!
What I hadn’t factored in was so very basic it is almost embarrassing. The more new people venture in the more they find out about themselves. Some things trigger them into areas that are rooted in their childhood, environment, past relationships from all segments of who they are. All of this means that they will be curious, find comfort and safe places to access that are constantly changing and evolving the more knowledge and experiences they gain.
And this is what is making things difficult for me and I know for her. While I fully believe you can always gain more information I also know that for me there were no other areas I was interested in growing with. And the newer hard skills I have developed over the years were just fine as I intended to use them.
kitten recognized this before I did. And we have come to an agreement that allows her to still stay connected to the scene and go to classes and some small events geared to the areas that have resonated with her. While I am not going to be going to any of them we have agreed she can go on her own, build friendships within the limits we (ok, mostly I have) set that will allow her to explore more.
We are very early on in this and I won’t say there aren’t some REAL rough edges to be worked around. However we are trying to make our way in order to have the most open relationship we can have with each other without cheating her of her personal growth.
I really want kitten to feel like she is having her needs met and I am fighting the egocentric belief that I can teach her everything…but damn it’s hard!